Thursday, July 12, 2018

I have no clue....



I want to go back to school. I have said this before and probably will continue to say it until I either put my money where my mouth is or just completely give up on the idea of going back. When I do start looking at schools it doesn't jive with the idea that's in my head as to what it is that I am looking for. It could be that I am out of touch with basic reality on a number of levels such as how basic things are done such as going (back) to school. Or it could just be the fact that it has been quite a while since I've actually enrolled that I have no idea where I should start. It could also be the fact that I have become too comfortable in my daily routine that I have frozen? seized up? Become to afraid to do anything about my particular situation in life that taking risks seem ludicrous? The answers could all be yes.

Look, I want to go back, do actually something with myself than just scraping at the near bottom of the barrel. So I don't feel like complete shit when I am old and retired after 75 years of working away. I want to know that I found something that I actually wanted to do, figure out how to get payed to do it and do it.

Simple as that.

I just don't want to have to wade through the shit to do it. And that is a major fault that I have. Aside from sloth. I just want to glance at something, have it give me the necessary information and requirements (if any) and then let me decide weather I am interested in doing it or not or if it's just something of a fascination.

I know, I know... where's the ultimate fun in that? A life with out struggle is no life at all type rhetoric? All the people who are at the top have had to struggle at some point and with some aspect of who they are right? Maybe I am just too damn lazy? Just wanting to seek out the easiest life possible.

I know if I do go back to school it wont be easy, chances are I have to upgrade my math and sciences. C student in High school. Probably a few things as well. Wasn't given my brothers gift for actually excelling in school. Kind of jealous of that actually. Not only that but I am in the process of getting married as well so gonna have to figure out time after the marriage to go back to school. Not only that but there are finances to work out as well.

Let me tell you. Being in your thirties, wanting to go back to school, getting married (if you aren't already) is going to be a challenge. Not impossible. You just need a plan of attack for personal life, financial life, marriage life etc. and hope to God that you find yourself a good person to be with because it will be a ride. That and finding out what you want to do if you don't know what it is that you want to do already.

Basically, I have wandered enough. It's time to get back on the horse and actually pull a EM (probably wont elaborate too much on that). What I mean by that is simply this: visualize what you want to do, take in all the info you can so you are knowledgeable about the said subject and start surrounding yourself with people who can get shit done. That way, when time comes to move and do shit, you are most of the way there.

Monday, December 25, 2017

11pm what-if statements....

I sometimes wonder about things that have happened and some of the things that could have been and wonder what would life had been if I had gone down that other road in life. According to Hollywood I am not entirely alone in wondering about this particular subject. Or at least that is what I am in some way told. That is what in some way I am supposed to possibly think. To wonder if life would have been better if I had gone down that other road.
I know that chances are that I would probably still be asking that same question even in the other variations of myself and that in some way Hollywood and probably other parts of culture would be asking that same question. In some ways it's hard not to ask those questions and not lay in bed wondering if I should have really eaten that second helping of desert. Or really had invested in Bitcoin when it was only worth .25cets a bit. I also know that It's also kind of pointless in some regards to ask those questions because you are here and now after those decisions have been already made.
Yet our minds still wander back. Hopelessly asking the 2am what if sessions. Wishing we had some way of altering our pasts to in some way still retain who we are in our current time line but still have made those decisions all those many minutes/hours/days/months/years ago about whatever we were thinking about. In my case I occasionally think about people, what if I had started dating that person, what would have changed? Would my life still look the same? Or how close would it still resemble this one that I currently have?

I know there are some things in my life that I would like to go back and change and never have to live through. I also know that I would be a completely different person to who I am today if I did change those things. In turn, part of me becomes fatalistic in the sense of not wanting to change the path that I have walked for it would be a walk in futility. A walk of meaningless. On the other hand I also know that I have to change who I am to try and become the person I want to be and that does take some actual change. So strikes the balance of what has come to what is yet to be. It's a hard road to find meaning to something that seems so meaningless.

Not only that but I have someone in my life as well, and I kind of want to uproot myself but I don't entirely think that she'll want to go for it even if it might be for the better. All I know is that this up coming year is going to be a challenging one in the sense that both me and her are planning on getting married. There are a few other factors of course however I will not get into those specifically.

I just pray and hope and work that things turn out the best.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

School and maybe other topics too....



It is coming to my attention that being lazy on any level is a bad thing outside of for a few minutes I wish I could say that I have more time or something where I use the word 'sadly' in there alas I cannot. I have over stayed my welcome in lazy and need to get up once again. So I guess I can say that I have sadly over stayed my welcome.
What I am trying to say here is that my future is in the balance of what I am about to do next and I am about to do several things to various degrees of success. With no particular order here they are: Get married, finish getting a drivers license, go back to school and in turn get a better job because of it, get into a sheit load of debt because of some combination of all three. Maybe find a better paying job somewhere in all of that so things wont be as bad and well, luckily enough I can't say I have much of a life outside of work and home so going back to school should fit right in really.

I know I've talked about going back to school before with either photography or doing something in radio though both are still options I don't think they really are where I need to be. Would like to be for a hobby and understand both mediums better, yes, but work, no, not really. Not to say that I would have the patients for either or have the mental faculties for both, lets be face it though, I would probably be mediocre with the occasionally good shot with a camera.
As for radio.... I can't really find much to talk about to produce anything by myself. Not to say I don't have a few ideas of whom to talk too or anything but the timing is kind of off. So really, both photography and radio are currently an out, maybe if I can learn about either on the side and get the opportunity to do both I would leap on it. That way I can say I did it and possibly have an idea come to fruition.

See, one thing that has crossed my mind for quite a few years was that of helping people, so naturally two thought processes came from this, working in the hospitals in some capacity followed by that of Psychology. I can say without a doubt that I do have a fascination with psychology though I can say I don't think that it is where I need to be. Though understanding people helps and as mentioned interesting and the likes and a year and a half of taking Psychology I quickly came to the conclusion that as said was not for me.
Some 10 years later and regaining some focus again laziness and dragging my feet around and the likes I have been thinking about school again, this time, well, something to do with the medical field again. This time nursing. In this case, I plan on making it to an info night and see what it's all about. Maybe it'll answer a few questions. Clear up a few things. If it does, then I know what I am pretty sure I know what I need to do. Until then, here is to filling my time with a few musings until then.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

I must admit....

That I have acclimatized to late night. Up until when I had come back to where I am currently working I had been primarily a day/morning person with the wondering of what it would be like to stay up all night. Now I do. Even though the past few weeks I could have gotten some relatively normal sleep and been close to a day person again, I stay up all night or almost all night. In essence I wonder no more. I know what it's like now and I wonder what it's like to have a normal life again during the day side.
However I am currently either too lazy to find a day side job, haven't won the lotto or started up my own business yet and I wont become jobless either unless I won the lotto. To be fair, the work I do is relatively easy on the other hand it is also slowly being out modded by tech, though this is a topic for another time where the end result of: with how things are going, it's the likely result.
The only thing I currently am not entirely amused by my work is the swings in shift, I know that the line of work I am in slows down for the winter so in turn both profits and hours are slowing down so the people who create the schedules for the week have to finagle the hours around. People will loose hours and so on and so forth, it will suck with out a doubt like always.
But this is not about that, it's about the new climate of working nights and on my days off acclimatizing to that new normal. I should venture out more and the likes. I stay in more often than not sadly. I both have reasons to wander out and not wander out all at the same time. This is of course one of the few times I wish I had a decent digital camera, so I would find an excuse to wander on out and see what I can see for a few hours. Take a few pictures. Actually do what I have been dreaming of doing for the past few years.
Then again, I kind of wonder what it's like to have a normal 9-5 again.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Lately....

I've been thinking about school on an off for the past few months now, maybe a bit more seriously than I had been in about a decade or so. More so than when I had finished high school and entered the work force to save up for coming back to where I grew up to go to what is now a defunct college/university. Not to say that my time was entirely misspent or anything, I just fell into the typical trappings of needing to get back to what I viewed as home and go back to school. What I should have done was sort of take a step back and played the long game of it. Knowing that I would go back to school but not necessarily for Psychology – I love the subject dearly, I don't think I have the head for it though specifically – but for something else entirely.

In short and retrospect I didn't play the long game and now am here with valuable lessons learned and trying to figure out my way again like a scrub. The only certain thing is that I have learned some lessons. Ones I should have not needed to learn in the first place. On the other hand if I hadn't had taken them I seriously doubt that I would be engaged to somebody I dearly love. Let alone met some of the friends I value highly.

The reason I am thinking about school more seriously is because I am in a rut and I am intrigued about a few things. Though I must admit, I am taking the longer view on this one. I'm taking my time making sure it is something I actually want to take before I leap in and actually do it. I know I shouldn't take too long on it however, with that being said certain things are in motion such as me getting married. I'm not worried about having a job and going to school, I think I could handle that aspect (though I'd rather not but I might not have a choice). So really, it's a matter of timing than anything else.

In the mean time I'll feel it out, take a look at options and go from there and commit to something, especially if it comes out to me having a better job in the end which is what I ultimately want anyway.

Monday, September 11, 2017

I'm doing Jazz....

Stranger: M 20
You: I'm legally married to Jazz.
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: That's gotta be the best opener ever
Stranger: Jazz like the music tho, right?
You: What else would I be talking about?
You: I'm doing jazz right now.
Stranger: I wasn't sure if Jazz was an obscure pop culture reference or not
Stranger: And how do you "do jazz"? Explain haha
You: In this case, it's 2/3rds not, 1/3 yes.
You: You make it up as you go along.
Stranger: Ah, that's probably the best way to do it
Stranger: Creativity is key
Stranger: So what do you play?
You: I prefer B#7
You: I play vocals.
Stranger: Oh wow, you're a singer?
You: More of spoken word really than singing.
You: Lately that is.
You: I'm going through a faze really.
Stranger: oh, i got you, so is it a hobby? or is it something you're pursuing as a career?
Stranger: Oh, that explains it
Stranger: Well sometimes a faze can become a career though!
You: The speaking part is the faze.
You: So, I take it the M 20 means something right?
Stranger: Yea, it's kind of lingo for Male 20 years old
Stranger: So that people know what sex they are speaking to
You: Because I've been playing bingo/battleships a lot lately.
You: Ah, got it.
You: Haven't done this whole online chat thing too much.
Stranger: Oh haha, yea it's a bit different than that
Stranger: It's more randomized, and you don't usually know who youre talking to
Stranger: Unless you get their snapchat or something
You: I must confess, it's a bit confusing at times.
Stranger: Yea, it's definitely a new "language" so to speak, especially anything on the internet even
Stranger: So are you a male or female?
You: I some time wish that they would speak whole sentences/words.
You: I would say that I am a Male.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Stories from the Omegle part 3.

Story 1: Not old enough.

Stranger: Hi
You: Hi?
Stranger: How are you lol
You: Not too bad, you?
Stranger: Pretty good
You: That's good.
Stranger: Yeah lol how old are you
You: Old enough.
Stranger: Doubt it
You: Old enough.
Stranger: I still doubt it
You: I can vote. Drink. Drive. Get my own smokes.
You: But that's really small fry.
Stranger: I can to
You: Good for you.
Stranger: Yes lol
You: Like I said, it's small fry.
Stranger: What
You: A small point.
You: Clearly, you haven't heard that colloquial before.
Stranger: I'm confused
You: Then you're not old enough.
Stranger: No I have not
Stranger: For what
You: And you say I'm not old enogh.
You: enough*
Stranger: For
Stranger: What
You: smh.
You: I am disappointed.
You: Good bye.

Story 2: Horny

Stranger: Horny
You: Maybe you should get that checked out by a doctor.

Story 3: Binary love.

Stranger: hey
You: 01001000 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101001 01110010 00101111 01101101 01100001 01100100 01100001 01101101 00111011 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110010 01101100 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100100 01101001 01110011 01100011 01101100 01101111 01110011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100001 01101101 01101111 01110101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101001 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101110 01111001 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100111 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101110 01100011 01101001 01100110 01110101 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110011 01110100 01110010 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00101110 00100000 01000001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110010 01110010 01101001 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101111 01110000 01101001 01100011 01110011 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100101 01101110 00100000 01110001 01110101 01100101 01101110 01100011 01101000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100011 01101011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110010 01110100 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110111 01100001 01111001 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100111 01101111 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110010 01101100 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100101 00100000 01010011 01101001 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001101 01100001 01100100 01100001 01101101 01110011 00101110 00100000 01001111 01110010 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01110001 01110101 01100101 01101110 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110110 01100001 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01101111 01110111 01100100 01100101 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110011 01100101 00101100 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110010 01101100 01100001 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110011 01101100 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101110 01100001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00101110 00100000 01010011 01101111 00101100 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110010 01101100 01100001 01111001 00100000 01101111 01101110 00111111
Stranger: lol
Stranger: u want some money
You: 01101100 01101111 01101100
Stranger: im just givin this shit out
Stranger: im bored
Stranger: ya know
You: so am i.
Stranger: u want a free cracked minecraft or csgo
You: no
Stranger: what u want
Stranger: i got anyhthing
Stranger: pretty much off steam
You: 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01101111 01110010 01100101 01100100 01101111 01101101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01100101 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110101 01110000 01100011 01100001 01101011 01100101 00101110
Stranger: ok
Stranger: its not funy bro
Stranger: fuckinh expletive-even-worse-than-the-one-I'm-trying-to-type-correctly

Story 4: Not the only.

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Stranger: Same
You: 01001001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01110011 01110111 01100101 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00101110 00100000 01000011 01101111 01101110 01100111 01110010 01100001 01110100 01110101 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 01100110 01110101 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101001 01101100 01100101 00101110
Stranger: I literally feel the exact same way
Stranger: It's cool to find someone who understands
You: what do you think it says?
Stranger: It says hi I'm a troll
You: Too long for that.
Stranger: You ain't the only troll on here bud
You: Are you even trying?
Stranger: Sorry
Stranger: Limited vocabulary
You: Binary.
Stranger: ?
You: I'm willing to wait for somebody to look it up and respond in kind. So far nobody has.
Stranger: Ah
Stranger: Yeah I'm way to lazy for that
You: Binary translators my good person, they exist.
You: well, have fun doing you.